


Bottled Up

by hendercasius



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, First Love, Friendship/Love, Love, Luwoo, M/M, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Minor Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-24 20:35:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17711123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hendercasius/pseuds/hendercasius
Summary: When Yukhei was in college, he loved this quote from the Philosophy class:"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up, it will die, and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. For love is not about possession. It's all about appreciation."*)Never had it crossed his mind, that he has to learn it hard way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot of sad and angsty. Please bear with me.  
> Anyway, the plot will be back and forth from the present to the past. Hope it's not confusing.  
> Enjoy!
> 
> Ps. This piece of work is heavily inspired by "The Script - Six Degrees of Separation"

Yukhei should have known that bringing Taeil to his graduation party was a big mistake.

It was a usual morning, with something unusual when Yukhei’s cousin, Taeil, arrived at his house. He finally left Canada to pursue his lecturing career in Seoul after spending almost 7 years for education. Nothing ever made Taeil happier than getting a job at his own homeland, especially after years of struggling in foreign country. The first thing Taeil had to do once he set foot in Seoul was actually to visit the college he’d be working in. But he had been too tired with hours of packing in Canada and another hours of flight to Incheon, so he chose to put things off and let Yukhei drove him home.

On their way back home was where his mistake begun. When he invited Taeil to join him and his friends for graduation party at college during the evening. He thought it’d be nice to share his friends with the cousin that he dearly loved. Especially Taeil’s friends were mostly in Canada, so he probably would need more companions during his stay in South Korea. Yukhei simply thought that. Nothing less or more. And when Taeil rejected Yukhei’s invitation because he thought he would be too old for his friends, Yukhei forced him to come. Even begged him. Once again. _Yukhei begged him._

“Okay then.” Taeil finally said.

“Okay.” Yukhei beamed a smile of satisfaction.

 

The _okay_ was the start of why he now stands in front of Jungwoo 5 years later.

Yukhei wish he knew how to un _okay_ it. 

“I am nervous.” Jungwoo mutters as he is pacing back and forth. He keeps pulling the edge of his tuxedo everytime he stares at the mirror and would ask Yukhei once in five seconds about how he looks. Jungwoo scrapes the back of his neck, pumps a fist, and even almost pulls his own hair if he is not quick enough to remember that he almost took an hour at dawn to get his hair done.

“I’m so done.” Jungwoo hisses in discomfort.

Yukhei flashes him a smile as another flashes of images spurred his memories.

 

Five years ago— _no_. He has liked Jungwoo way back before that. The story was started from eight years ago.

Yukhei didn’t really remember when he started to grow a peculiar feeling towards Jungwoo. He didn’t remember when Jungwoo’s presence escalated the rate of his heartbeat nonchalantly. He has been friends with Jungwoo since the first day of college, yet he swore that he only saw Jungwoo as just another boy back then. Another male in the animalia kingdom whose disheveled hair made him look a little bit more attractive than the others. A man who read Hermann Hesse. Worshipped Nietzsche. And listened to 80s British bands.

Maybe it was because of his disheveled hair.

Maybe Hermann Hesse.

Or everytime he spoke Nietzsche. Or the way he sang Duran Duran’s Save a Prayer.

Or maybe, it was simply because he is _Kim Jungwoo_. Yukhei wish he knew the reasons behind his feelings, so he could figure out how to stop.

Since then, Jungwoo turned to be the apple of his eyes. He gave Yukhei the butterflies in the stomach that he thought would only happen in fiction stories. Yukhei had no idea that somebody’s existence could make his heart fluttered. His steps trembled. And his words hold up in his throat. There were days when his heart ached so much for Jungwoo, and the only thing he could do was to take the image of him to his sleep.

Because only in his dream, Yukhei could ever touch Jungwoo the way he wanted to.

Until five years ago, when the mistake was begun. It was started when Yukhei tapped on Jungwoo’s shoulder and turned the latter around to meet his eyes. Jungwoo smiled, and that was enough to send Yukhei to the space.

“Where are the others?” Yukhei cut himself from flying too high from the smile when he saw Jungwoo hanging by himself at the graduation party. By the others, he meant Jeno, Jaemin, Mark, and Haechan, a.k.a the group of friends that have been hanging together with them since the first year of college.

“Dancing and being dumb.” Jungwoo shrugged his shoulders, unamused. He raised his glass and sipped the rest of his wine in one shot.

“You look pissed.” Yukhei sat himself on the vacant seat next to Jungwoo.

“I do.” he grunted. “Imagine having a roommate who doesn’t want to clean up his dishes and literally all the shit he does. I ended up doing everything.”

“Well, that explains why you don’t want to join them.”

Jungwoo referred to Haechan. His _new_ roommate with whom Jungwoo seemed to have a hard time adapting with. Jungwoo knew from the start that Haechan was famous with all of those reckless behaviours of his, yet he didn’t have options back then. Haechan was the only saviour with whom he could share the apartment rent fee when all his friends turned their backs on him. Little did Jungwoo knew, there was not a day went by without Yukhei’s regretting that one time when he had to reject Jungwoo’s offer of living together for the sake of Taeil.

“Maybe I would be the one complaining that several weeks from now on.” Taeil suddenly chimed in. He sat beside Yukhei and rested both of his hands on the table, wrapping his beer bottle with both of his hands. It was clear that Taeil eavesdropped their conversation for awhile.

Yukhei rolled his eyes and Jungwoo seemed puzzled at the sudden intervention from _a stranger_.

“Sorry, do we know each other?” Jungwoo tried to be polite, and Yukhei cut him off with a brief introduction that sounded like a classic cliché. _It was Taeil_ , his cousin who just moved from Canada, and other basic information that a stranger needed to know for first meeting.

“So you are the guy who stole my _supposed-to-be-roommate_?”

Taeil raised an eye brow. “I…. guess?” Taeil glanced at Yukhei, asking for an assistance to the unfamiliar conversation that suddenly floated. When Yukhei nodded, Taeil finally figured out what Jungwoo was talking about.

“Oh. Well. Believe me. You don’t want to live together with my cousin. He is messy as well.” Taeil snorted.

“Thank God, we don’t live together. Or our friendship would be at cost.” Jungwoo shook Yukhei’s arm with dramatic look to make his speech livelier. _That was just Kim Jungwoo_ , Yukhei thought _._ He was nice, funny, friendly, down-to-earth, and all the positive adjectives that the dictionary had. Even after all that, Jungwoo still blurted out some colloquial speeches to Taeil in his effort of removing the barrier of awkwardness between them. Afterall, Jungwoo liked to make friends.

As Jungwoo’s and Taeil’s only mutual thread, Yukhei should’ve pulled the role. To bridge their awkwardness. To make them speak to each other. To make them closer. To let them closer. But close can be too close. Because several minutes later, it was not Taeil or Jungwoo, but Yukhei, the one to be left out of the conversation circle. They did not need Yukhei’s assistance to walk them through the conversation anymore. Taeil and Jungwoo turned out have many things in common. They were even able to finish each other’s sentences within a blink of an eye.

“Samantha Barks makes the best rendition of _On My Own_.”

“No way. Lea Michele is.”

“I can’t believe you are a Glee fan!”

“I’m not. I am just appreciating a talent.”

“Okay. Accepted.”

Soon, their first meeting ended with a promise to attend the play of Dead Dog in the Suitcase together one day.

 

“I never found anyone like Taeil.” Jungwoo said one afternoon, several days after their first encounter.

Yukhei smiled. His eyes were glued to the pages of the books he read. His last escort to tears, despair, and jealousy. The words laid afterwards had no difference than the one spoken before. _I never found anyone like Taeil_ had been bad enough, could it even be worse? It had sounded like _I don’t find you interesting_ to Yukhei’s ears. And it was more than enough for Yukhei to shut his feelings and be at peace with his own loneliness.

“Do you remember when I wanted to have a beach trip?” Jungwoo put his hand on Yukhei’s open palm. Yukhei gulped, and wished only for Jungwoo to never hear the wild sound of his heartbeat.

“Of course.”

Yukhei would never forget. The day after Marketing class, when Jungwoo had his arm around Yukhei’s waist. Jungwoo was about to pass out due to exhaustion. He represented the college in national level debate competition priorly and got little to no time for sleep during a week of competition. When Jungwoo returned to the college, he didn’t only bring trophy, but also a set of drowsiness and dark rings under his eyes. Yukhei took him to clinic and waited until he was conscious.

When Jungwoo was awoke, he said he had enough of debate competition and ambitious life of a college students. He wanted to have fun. He wanted to have a vacation. On the beach. With his college best fellows. With Yukhei. And Jeno, Mark, Haechan, and Jaemin. His college life had been mostly spent for training, research, and practice for the debate. He wanted to live a normal college life and he decided to retire from the debate club since he got the trophy for nationals already.

Yukhei nodded at the idea. Thinking of being able to escape somewhere with Jungwoo sounded fun. It would be perfect. Seeing his hair being carressed by the wind, maybe his eyes would be closed as the sound of the water ripples entered his ears, and his smile would turn into laugh again and again as the wave keeps hitting on both of them together.

It felt like a dream. Perfect. Beautiful. Solemn.

Yet it never happened. Jungwoo never quitted from the debate club and got even busier after the nationals because he was preparing for the regional and final competition in the States.

“Of course, I remember.” Yukhei repeated himself again.

“Let’s have it before we all get a job and become too busy with that?”

“Sure. Would be perfect.”

“This weekend? I’ll tell the guys in our group chat.”

“Yeah. I’ll be free this weekend.”

“Can you please invite Taeil too? You know, the more the merrier.”

Maybe it wasn’t the more the merrier. It was the mere existence of Taeil who made things merrier for Jungwoo.

Yukhei nodded in silence. Jungwoo beamed an ear-to-ear smile upon Yukhei’s confirmation.

“Perfect. See you this weekend!”

 _Perfect_. It should be _perfect_ for Yukhei too. The sun, the wave, the ripple, the sand, should be the witness of his undivided attention and happiness to Jungwoo. In reality, it was perfect. For Kim Jungwoo and his little plan to get to know Taeil better. To get closer to him. To talk to him. To show him _he_ cares. To debate about which one is better, Led Zeppelin or Queen. To sing the whole Les Miserables songs out of their lungs _together_. And to.. God knew where that vacation would bring both of them to.

Yukhei was mute during the entire trip. He brought Daron Acemoglu’s _Why Nations Fails_ book and sat down under the hut on the shoreline with a commitment to read the whole book in one go.

Failed. Miserably.

He didn’t even get to read the whole page as the sound of the laugh from Kim Jungwoo tickled his ears, teased him enough to take a peek, and he didn’t like what he saw. Jungwoo and Taeil were holding hands against the wave and laughed. _That should be him_. Yukhei tried to read things again, but no matter how much he tried, Kim Jungwoo would always be more interesting to look at than the thick boring book he was holding.

“Yukhei!”

He loved the way Jungwoo called his name. And he called his name again and again and again during the entire beach vacation because Jungwoo wanted to share a little fun and bring Yukhei to the wave. But Yukhei’s knees were too weak to stand inbetween them two. He would be too much of a third wheel, the same as what happened during Jungwoo and Taeil’s first conversation. Yukhei kept rejecting, waved his hand to both of them and the other friends as well from afar, watched them playing with the sand and the water and the wind, and felt a glimpse of regret because he kept saying _no_ especially to Jungwoo.

On the way back home, Jungwoo was driving. Taeil was in the front seat. Jaemin and Jeno were in the middle seat. Mark and Yukhei were on the back seat. Everybody was sleeping, tired of their activities on the beach. Everybody was sleeping but Jungwoo and Yukhei. Yukhei stole a glance of Jungwoo’s focused eyes from the convex mirror. When he was caught doing so, Jungwoo gave him a smile through the convex mirror. Yukhei was embarrassed.

“I thought you slept too.” Jungwoo said.

“How could I sleep when Mark took over my whole seat.” Yukhei glanced at Mark who used his lap as the pillow and his legs were squeezed to fit in the backseat.

“Typical Mark.”

“Yeah. Typical Mark.”

Silence floated once again.

The sound of the car’s whirr, the vague noise of the wind outside, the snores of Jeno and Mark, and the random song played in the car radio filled the space. They didn’t make a good harmony, but it was bearable.

 

 _You are so good_ __  
I know that this is gonna hurt  
I don't think we should  
You know it's never gonna work  
There's things that you can't see  
You're way too close to me  
This ones gonna hurt1

 

“Was it played from your Spotify?”

“Yeah. The entire time. Apparently my phone has the best battery endurance.”

Jungwoo smiled. “Your playlists are depressing, thanks to it I stay awake.”

“Should I be flattered?” Yukhei teased, knowing it was not even close to compliment at all.

“This one is quite good. What song is this?”

“Hurt. Gabrielle Aplin.”

“Who hurt you, Yukhei?”

He knew it was a no brainer question. It was just a joke. Jungwoo just teased him and played a pun with the title of the song. But Yukhei felt a hitch in his breathe. His throat choked up. His breathe got heavier. And before everything turned into a suspicious gesture, Yukhei answered.

“You.”

Jungwoo chuckled. “Okay, sorry.”

He knew that Jungwoo would take the answer as a joke. He never meant to ask the question anyway. But Yukhei didn’t mind. He didn’t feel hurt that he wasn’t being taken seriously. He had always been treated that way. The joker. The dumber. The noise source. The mood maker. If there was anything he had to feel, there was actually a slight relief when he _finally_ could tell Jungwoo the truth. Eventhough Yukhei’s truth doesn’t seem to be Jungwoo’s truth.

“Yukhei..”

Yukhei looked up to meet his eyes in the convex mirror once again. “Yes?”

An uncomfortable silence suddenly grew between them. Jungwoo looked like he swallowed his words. Yukhei frowned.

“I think I like Taeil.” sounded like a whisper, careful enough because he didn’t want the sleeping Taeil to hear _his_ truth. Yukhei kept staring at the eyes on the convex mirror as if he was seeking for a further explanation. Or a further confirmation. Or a further plot twist to end the words such as _‘Nope! I am kidding.’_ to convince him that Jungwoo tried to pull a prank on him. There was a pang of sorrow hit his chest when the explanation never came. Only silence followed afterwards. A heavy, awkward silence. When the eyes stared back at him, he looked down to see Mark’s face instead.

He knew it already that Jungwoo liked Taeil. He just had no idea that it would hurt this much to hear the truth directly from Jungwoo’s mouth.

“I know.” Yukhei suddenly said.

“You knew?”

“It was…” Yukhei looked up again to see the eyes in the mirror. “…obvious.”

“Obvious? _Damn.._ ” Jungwoo bite his lips in nervous.

“It was only obvious to me because we’ve been friends since forever. But not to him, I guess.” Yukhei assured, returned the smile back to the place where it belonged: Jungwoo’s face.

“I don’t think he likes me back.”

“You haven’t tried.”

Yukhei never tried, and see what it did to him. Pain. Sorrow. Torture.

“If you love someone, you should let them know.”2

It was rich coming from Yukhei, the person who never even let the one he loves _to know_. Yukhei gulped, thinking about all the years spent admiring Jungwoo. He never wanted to let the truth came out because he was scared. Scared if the confession ruined their friendship. Scared if they two would never be the same persons that they used to be. Scared if his feelings would ruin Jungwoo’s mind and heart because probably Jungwoo would never reciprocate the mutual feelings. Scared even if it works, if it turns to be a relationship, it would probably fail and leave a traumatic scar to both of them.

Yukhei was scared. The feeling got the best of him.

“ _Shit_. Or maybe don’t let them know.” Yukhei quickly revised after all of his sudden realizations. He giggled by himself and Jungwoo followed along with him.

“It was fancy hearing you giving advice on love.”

Yeah. What did Yukhei know about love, though? He never had any relationship with anybody. He was an amateur. He never initiated any intimacy with anybody because he was too afraid. He only fell in love once. And he fell too hard. Jungwoo didn’t catch him at all, and Yukhei never let Jungwoo to catch him either. He fell in love alone and despised that feeling for each second of his life.

 

Even five years later, he still falls in love alone. He still despises the feeling for each second of his life. And worse, he hates seeing himself in the mirror now. He is an embarrassment to himself. He loses what could have been _his_ right in front of his eyes. He hates himself for never trying. For blocking all the opportunities. For being a coward. For not telling and showing the one he loves that _he_ matters.

He matters the most to Yukhei.

Jungwoo is checking himself in front of the mirror again. He fixes his tie, and it amuses Yukhei because there is nothing wrong with his tie. Jungwoo is just being too nervous.

“Do I look good?”

 _You always look good_.

“Yes. Better than good, actually.”

“You are lying.”

He is not. But is that even necessary to answer? Yukhei knows that Jungwoo only needs Taeil’s approval. It doesn’t matter anymore how many times Yukhei has to tell that Jungwoo looks good. It would only sound like an empty compliment to Jungwoo’s ears.

“Is it common to get nervous on your wedding day?”

“I… have never got married, so?”

Jungwoo rolls his eyes. “Yeah, so. Thanks Yukhei.”

“It will be fine. The next thing you know, you and Taeil will dance to the song I sing.”

“Do you know how happy I am that you will sing at my wedding?”

Yukhei raised one of his brows.

“I mean.. this is probably a difficult thing for you to do. We know.. you are not.. a fan of spotlight or being the center of attention. So I’m honored. And thankful. And it was because of you too, me and Taeil got to meet.”

Yukhei lightly shakes his head in disbelief. If only Jungwoo knows that Yukhei would do anything for him. Let alone singing, he would be more than happy to even serve as the groom now for Jungwoo only if he wants to. Unfortunately, Taeil is the man of his dreams. Not Yukhei.

“It’s just… singing. I don’t do anything _grande_.”

“And you agreed to be my best man too. Both of us wanted you as our best man, but you picked me over Taeil. So..” Jungwoo points his finger at Yukhei’s nose. His dimple shows when he smiles once again. “It is.. _grande_.”

Yukhei beams a smile back to Jungwoo. If only Jungwoo learns enough about Yukhei, it was a painful smile rather than a happy one.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to do at your wedding. Redemption.”

“What about..” Yukhei presses his lips, pretends to think hard. “…be my groom?”

“Huh?” Jungwoo looks genuinely puzzled.

“Kidding.” Yukhei laughed. He was not kidding at all, of course. Unfortunately, only him knows his truth. Besides, what’s the use of asking the hand of somebody’s husband-to-be?

Jungwoo laughed along with him. He takes a step closer and helps Yukhei with his tie. It looks a bit crumpled.

“You should’ve asked me _that_ eight years ago.” Jungwoo said. Yukhei’s laugh stops in a sudden instant as he tries to look at Jungwoo’s eyes, wondering what kind of truth that the latter actually meant behind what he just said. “I would have said yes.”

 _I would have said yes_.

“I admired you, Yukhei. I liked you back then. The way you ruffled your already messy hair, the way you spoke Cantonese, the books you read, the letters you wrote in the Philosophy class. I loved all of them. I was happy we were friends—I mean, still. I am happy we are friends.”

 _I would have said yes_.

“But in the end, there’s always something to learn. Every cloud has a silver lining, isn’t it? The path I didn’t take back then probably is the exact track where it took me to Taeil now. I am just.. happy.”

 _I would have said yes_.

 

Yukhei lost his words at the throat. He wants to take Jungwoo by his waist and kisses him softly, slowly. The way he always pictures in his dreams where he holds Jungwoo and feels like he holds the world in his hands. He suddenly wants a piece of Jungwoo now. Now. When nobody is around and there’s only Jungwoo and Yukhei in one room and nobody else. Jungwoo stands too close to him as he fixes his tie and it is enough for Yukhei to close the gap and kiss him. Yukhei wants to kiss him and change his mind. But, Taeil. What about Taeil? What about their wedding? What if Jungwoo changes his mind after the kiss and cancels everything? Wouldn’t it be good for Yukhei? They would live happily ever after. But what if Jungwoo runs from him after the kiss? What if it makes Jungwoo less happy?

The train of thoughts hit his head over and over again. Yukhei just wants to vomit.

 

“The ceremony will start now.” the wedding organizer knocked the door.

“Let’s go.” Jungwoo said as he brushed Yukhei’s shoulders one last time.

 

The wedding went smoothly. Unfortunately, there is no earthquake that Yukhei wished for or big fire that he also has longed for. Yukhei joins the bandwagon to clap along half heartedly when Taeil and Jungwoo seal their vow with a kiss. At this point, Yukhei feels numb instead of pain. Jungwoo’s smile looks so far from his heart now, and he feels like himself is fading with his own feeling. He is there, but he isn’t really sure if he _is_ really there. His mind is flying somewhere else that, for once, is nowhere near Jungwoo. It flies to the bar. To the drinks. To the alcohol he drank the night before. How he misses them. How he wants to savour each of the bottles in his mouth as he drives the numbness away. He suddenly misses the hidden corner of his college gymnasium where he used to smoke pot too. Of how every smoke he exhaled helped him to gain an ounce of his sanity back. He misses the feeling of being sent away to heaven. To the sky. Where he feels weightless and everything is just a random universe. And Jungwoo is just a fleck. A speck of dust. Nobody. In this entirely extended universe.

Yukhei walks slowly to the altar when his name got called to give the best man’s speech.

He lets out the paper he hides inside his tux and reads it once more in his head before saying those words out loud. It was a long passage on the paper that he wrote the night before in the bar. There were a lot of words that he copied from the samples provided by Google because he had no idea how to write the speech sincerely when he himself is not even sincere. There are many times when he repeats ‘ _happy_ ’, ‘ _bliss_ ’, and ‘ _joy_ ’ in his letter, and he comes to realization of how fake and lousy his speech draft is. Jungwoo doesn’t deserve this. Neither does Taeil.

And most importantly, Yukhei doesn’t deserve any of this.

So he folds his paper and slips it back to his pocket. He taps the microphone once again before he speaks. He brings his eyes up to see the audiences and heaves a deep sigh. He looks at his side and catches Jungwoo throws a fist to lighten up his spirit, while Taeil smiles brightly at him as if he just possessed a great prize for life. Well, he is indeed.

Yukhei suddenly smiles. Not to the audiences. Not to Taeil. Not to Jungwoo. He smiles at himself.

“If you love someone, you should let them know.” a pause. Some of the audiences who were busy with their own activities suddenly revert their attention to Yukhei as he started to speak. His tone is low, and his voice is hoarse. He doesn’t sound like the best man who would give a fun speech to celebrate the wedding of a best friend’s by reminiscing and sharing the embarrassing story and moments of the grooms. Instead, he sounds like a man who came to confess in the church.

Suddenly, it turns into a solemn occasion.

“No matter how scared you are. Regardless the outcome. You should tell them. Because the truth is liberating. Honesty is the key of an utter freedom of your soul. And because your heart deserves beyond wonders and question marks.”

“I once loved somebody and not able to tell him how I feel. I kept my feelings in the dark, and now I realised that the worst thing about keeping it is not because it hurts. But because I would start imagining _what if_ I ever said those words to him. _What would happen to my life? What would change?_ It filled my head all day and all nights. I was too scared. I withdrew completely within myself. The world became lost to me, I no longer noticed the blue sky and green woods, I no longer heard the brook murmur; my ears has turned deaf to the notes of the harp: nothing mattered anymore. I had loved and had lost myself.3”

“But we don’t celebrate that kind of love today. The love they have is the one where they loved and found themselves. They paved their way to each other, found each other, and now made a vow to complete each other, understand each other, and to help interpret each other. Today, we celebrate their bravery to achieve the love – to let it the love be the catalyst of their impending joy and to make it their strength in facing their upcoming sorrow. Today, we learnt that love should have guided us a way back to ourselves.”

“So, Taeil and Jungwoo. You both did great.”

 _You both did great_ instead of _I am happy for you both_. Because Yukhei could not bring himself to tell a lie in front of public. Not on this occasion. Not on this day. Not to Taeil and Jungwoo. He doesn’t want to showcase a betrayal. The least thing that Yukhei owes himself is an honesty. He is _not_ happy, and he should stop saying like he _is_.

“Finally, my favorite writer once said that _‘Love must not entreat or demand. Love must have strength to become certain within itself. Then it ceases merely to be attracted and begins to attract. 4 _’__ I hope Taeil and Jungwoo could always remember that. I hope their love could always become certain and attract one another. Till death do them apart.”

He suddenly feels a buzz in his head once again.

 

Yukhei skips the entire dancing ceremony. He is sitting on the toilet after throwing up every substances he swallows this morning. He feels sick. His head is dizzy. His world keeps roling before his eyes. And he is losing count of how many minutes he has locked himself in the chamber. He wipes the sweats on his neck and stands up. When he unlocks the door, he sees his reflection in the mirror and realizes how messy he is. He is pale. The tie hanging on his neck was no longer tightened. He cups his face with both of his hands and slowly approaches the faucet.

“ _You did great_.”

Mark stands at the door aisle. Yukhei was surprised at first to see him through the mirror, but then only shakes his head lightly. He is too tired and unfocused to listen to what others say. The thing he wants to ask was how long Mark has been standing there, but he has no power left to even spill a word.

Yukhei and Mark know each other like the back of their hands. When Mark said _You did great_ , Yukhei knows it was a mockery rather than a compliment. To be exact, Mark actually copied that sentence from Yukhei’s best man speech and made it a sarcasm. Only Mark could do that.

“You don’t have to always sacrifice yourself. You could say no when you don’t want to.”

So Mark knows. Great. Since when?

“I thought you have been over it since Jungwoo and Taeil became an item and you moved to Canada.”

Never. Yukhei is never over it.

“That was a hell of a speech. People were crying.”

True. Yukhei cannot even believe any word he said. He was dumb.

“And ain’t that song you sang was too depressing for a wedding? C’mon man..”

He sang to Andrew Belle’s In My Veins. Despite the slow and romantic melody from the acoustic guitar thrummed throughout the song, Yukhei has to admit that the lyrics were nowhere near a suitable song for a wedding. Truth be told, it was only suitable for his feelings. He even choked up every single time he sang the verse: _Oh you’re in my veins. And I cannot get you out. Oh you’re all I taste._

“ _Truth is liberating_ my ass. What about you? Do you even tell your truth?”

Mark is right. Yukhei is a coward.

“This is your last chance to liberate yourself.”

Yukhei shakes his head.

“Go tell him how you feel. You will feel better. Afterall, you deserve a peace of mind. You deserve it, Yukhei.”

 

When he finally hangs around the dance ceremony, the first thing he looks for is the waitress. He needs alcohol in his bloodstream to keep him sane. To keep him awake during the entire reception. When he finds one, he drinks everything in one shot and frowns. _Sauvignon Blanc_.

“Do you have _Marsala_? I’ll pay.”

Knowing Yukhei’s intention, the waitress replied. “ _Chardonnay_ is the highest we have.”

“Get it for me, then.” Yukhei mutters another _thanks_ when the waitress nods at him and asks him to wait for a moment. He wanders around the people dancing to a slow songs in the reception. Jeno dances with Jaemin, Haechan dances with his date that is still unknown to Yukhei, and Jungwoo. Jungwoo dances with Taeil, _of course_. They dance and steal kisses from one another once, twice, and thrice, and until Yukhei lost count of how many in such a short span of time.

_This is your last chance to liberate yourself._

Mark’s words echoed in his mind as he unconsciously wanders closer to where Jungwoo stands.

_You deserve it, Yukhei._

And the last thing he knows, he has been one step away from Jungwoo. He saves both of his hands in the pocket, and before he could escape, Jungwoo calls him.

“Can we have a dance?” Jungwoo asks when he caught a glimpse of Yukhei passing by. He extends the hand that previously placed around Taeil’s neck in front of his chest. Yukhei is confused. He is suddenly in a state of freezing, doesn’t know what to do. There is a long hesitation in his mind before Taeil finally moves forward and pulls his shoulder softly, seemingly not accepting any _no_ from Yukhei.

“Yeah. You two should dance, talk, catch up before you go across the thousand miles again.” Taeil said to Yukhei, tapping his back. “I’ll go get drink.” Taeil slipped a kiss on Jungwoo’s cheek before immersing in the crowd.

Here comes the problem.

One, Yukhei doesn’t know how to dance.

Two, Yukhei has never been in such close distance with anyone in his life, especially Jungwoo.

“I don’t dance.”

“I know.” Jungwoo said as he guided Yukhei to hold his hand and waist, and suddenly, they are in the most awkward situation for dancing _ever._

“This is a mess.” Yukhei giggled.

“ _You_ are a mess.” Jungwoo pointed out. Well, where is the lie though?

Yukhei is drown in giggles as he tries to fitting his steps with Jungwoo’s. He thought he would be too nervous and jitters to be in such close distance with Jungwoo. Turns out, Jungwoo makes him feels comfortable.

He always does.

“I miss you, though.” Jungwoo said, and little did he know he pokes the soft spot in Yukhei _again_ and _again_. This dance could just go normally with them talking about the business they have, the work, the book that Jungwoo released few months ago. But instead all that, Jungwoo chose to say _I miss you_. To Yukhei. There is a slight feeling of hate lingers in Yukhei’s heart, assuming that Jungwoo did this to make him suffers even more.

But this is Kim Jungwoo. Yukhei knows by heart that the man is not a prodigy in performing evil doings.

“I miss you too.” _in the most casual tone possible._

“When will you go back to Canada?”

“Next week. I’ll make best use of my time here to catch up. I think I’ve missed a lot of things. For example..” Yukhei takes time before pointing out at Haechan. “..who is the guy that he brings?”

Jungwoo laughs. “He is a Chinese. Haechan met him when he was on vacation few months ago.”

“Well, true. He doesn’t look native.”

“You are not a native either.”

“True. I thought he would end up with Mark.”

“Are you kidding? The loudest two in the room? No way.”

“I mean, they seem to have a lot of sparkle and flings.”

“ _Only_ flings, not sparkle.”

Yukhei is focused on his steps once again when Jungwoo tried to sway and turn him around. It failed, absolutely. And both of them laugh in unison.

“Oh, how I miss our college years..”

“Including the debate competition?”

Jungwoo rolls his eyes. “Nah. That was the only thing I don’t miss from college.”

Yukhei smiles. “Then what do you miss?”

“Us? Me, you, Jeno, Mark, Jaemin, Haechan. When we ran around the hallway…”

“...and skipped classes?”

“...eating in the library when it was prohibited.”

“The summer course where we got lost in the Japan’s jungle?”

“That.. and the bear. When we encountered the bear and Haechan peed himself.”

“Mark was freaking out and screaming in high pitch?”

“It was the best.”

Both of them give a space of silence for laughing at the fools that they were when they were younger. Yukhei is once again happy and he is relieved that he is sincere this time.

“But then there was this sad part too. When Jeno got his heart broken and he didn’t attend college for two weeks straight.”

“Yeah.. I had my worst broken heart during college too.”

“You had a lot of boyfriends back then.” Yukhei teased.

“Rude! I only had like… 3 during college. It’s normal! You know what’s not _normal_?”

“Hm?” Yukhei turned Jungwoo around once again.

“ _You._ I never saw you dated during college.”

Yukhei nods. “True. I never did.”

“Did you date in Canada?”

“Nope. Not at all.”

“I thought you were asexual.” Jungwoo giggled. “..until this evening.”

“Pardon?”

“Your speech. It left everyone in awe..” Jungwoo reminisced words by words. “..and I am sure as hell it did not come from somebody who never loved.”

“Maybe.” Yukhei’s answer to cut off the conversation and make both of them over it.

However, Jungwoo doesn’t seem like wanting to end the conversation.

“Who hurt you, Yukhei?”

There it goes that question again. The memories of 5 years ago suddenly feel so close to him now. When Jungwoo asked him the same exact question. When he has answered it with truth and _the_ truth only. What should he answer this time?

The truth?

“You.” he answered with the same exact answer as he did 5 years ago.

“Okay, Yukhei. Jokes aside.” Jungwoo chuckles. He is still the same person that he was 5 years ago. He still thinks of this as a joke. He never knows, and it was never his fault. Yukhei never lets him knows. Yukhei never wants Jungwoo to know.

It is Yukhei’s decision to follow Jungwoo’s rhythm and makes it a laughable joke, or to step out of his comfort zone and let Jungwoo knows the truth. _His_ truth.

_This is your last chance to liberate yourself._

“It was jokes aside, Jungwoo.” Yukhei suddenly stops swaying and has his eyes fixed at Jungwoo. His heart screams in pain when he sees Jungwoo is laughing at his words.

“W-wait. What do you mean?” Jungwoo stops laughing and stutters instead when he finally grasps that something _is definitely_ wrong. He noticed how Yukhei didn’t laugh along with him.

Yukhei is torn.

He is on the halfway to say the whole truth. At this point, he could go back. He could pull himself back to the square one. To the place where he continues to skulk around with the feelings that almost killed him. To _his_ kind of peace. He could go back. He wants to go back. He wants to laugh along and says to Jungwoo that it was merely a joke. Everything will be alright if he never says what he wants to say. He will keep the friendship with Jungwoo alive. He will not be put in an awkward situation with Taeil. He wants to stop. He should take a step back.

Now.

_Now._

_You deserve it, Yukhei_.

“I loved you, Jungwoo. No, I still do. I love you.”

 _Fuck you, Mark_.

At this point, there is no way back. Yukhei is _fucking_ lost. He should have saved it. He cannot bear the look in Jungwoo’s eyes, and since the truth has finally been let out, it cannot be taken back. He suddenly grips Jungwoo’s waist and looks him in the eyes. Jungwoo deserves this. Nobody loves cliffhanger. He cannot just throw a random _I love you_ at somebody’s wedding and ruins things, then escape with it.

He owes Jungwoo an explanation.

No, he owes Jungwoo and _himself_ an explanation.

“Listen..” the last pause to collect himself. Yukhei sighed. “..it was started since our days in college. I didn’t know how or when _or even why_ , but I just did. I like you. Not in a way of bestfriends liking each other, not in a way I like Taeil, or not in a way I like my parents. I like you in a way of what humans ask for one another, what makes life more livable.5 I know it is wrong to tell you at this time, at this second, in your wedding, I ruined it, I know. I just... have to let this one out. Okay?”

It sounds more like an assurance to himself instead.

“..but here I am, losing all my chances, and not going to blow off this one last chance to tell you. That I have been loving you since day one. And I don’t ask for anything from you. I don’t want you to do anything about it. I don’t mean to possess you or anything. I love you, and I.. I just want to appreciate you as the human being I love. Including appreciating the whole decisions you make in your life even if your decision means that you got to be with somebody else. I keep.. I will keep loving you despite all that. I just..” _need a peace of mind._ “…want you to know. I am sorry it was selfish as hell.”

Finally, his truth is Jungwoo’s truth now.

Jungwoo is on the verge of tears. Yukhei cannot bear to see it. He looks down to the grass. It’s not greener under him, obviously.

“Why do you keep it to yourself?” Jungwoo’s hand makes a way to lift Yukhei’s chin. He wants Yukhei to face him now.

Yukhei sighs. He smiles in vain. “..because I am too scared? I am scared I will leave scars for both of us. No one knows what would happen if I ever said that. Maybe we wouldn’t be friends anymore today and I can never let that happen.”

“But who knows.. it could be your wedding today?”

Yukhei slips a small chuckle. “Are you going to be happier that way?”

Jungwoo stays quiet. And it was enough of an affirmation for Yukhei that Jungwoo has been happy and enough with having Taeil by his side.

“Your fate is Taeil. And this is my fate. I accept this and I will live with this. If this could be anything, then this will be… the biggest lesson I earned in life. As you said this morning; every cloud has a silver lining, huh?”

“Which is…” Jungwoo finally circles his hand around Yukhei’s neck and they sway together. No more awkward sway this time. It feels just right. It feels good. It feels like coming back home after a long years straying out there in the cold of the world.

Yukhei loves it.

“..if you love someone, you should let them know.” he recited what he said in his speech. In fact, he recited what he said to Jungwoo five years ago. “It wouldn’t hurt that bad.”

Jungwoo pulls Yukhei in a sudden embrace. Yukhei was surprised at first, but then he makes his way to carress Jungwoo’s back and sniffs the top of his head. It feels warm.

“I am sorry, Yukhei..”

“Don’t be..” Yukhei tightens his embrace to Jungwoo, his cheek is pressed on top of Jungwoo’s head now. “You are so good, Jungwoo. I know that this is gonna hurt.”

Jungwoo giggles, reminisced Yukhei’s playlist in the car five years ago. “Now you are quoting a song.”

Yukhei shrugs his shoulders. He often picked up one quote and mixed it with a quote from another poem or another lyrics, that Mark even points out that nothing Yukhei said was original anymore.

Mark is right. He is always right. Not only about the quoting part, but also about the whole things he said earlier.

Before they let go of each other, Yukhei planted a kiss on top of Jungwoo’s head and whispers.

“I love you Jungwoo, and I let you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:  
> *) Rajneesh/Osho  
> 1\. Lyrics from Gabrielle Aplin - Hurt  
> 2\. Lyrics from Coldplay - Everglow  
> 3\. The piece of story in Demian, by Hermann Hesse  
> 4\. Quote of Frau Eva in Demian, by Hermann Hesse  
> 5\. Elio's thought in Call Me By Your Name, by Andre Aciman


	2. Sequel

A Lumark sequel:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17806340

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @jaeysaa


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